Thursday, September 22, 2022


Life is all about change. There's been so much incredible change in my life and the world since I last wrote here, in 2016. 

Recently, quite out of the blue, I found myself wandering the internet and I ended up on my Dad's blog. Much to my surprise, I find he's been keeping it up and has been regularly posting there. I think the last time I looked there, his posts were far and in between. Anyway, while looking around his website, I found my old blog sitting amongst a list of links to familiar sites.

A few clicks later, I'm logged into this space. What a strange feeling to find an archive of my life sitting patiently, waiting for my uncertain return. There are over 300 post's on this site. The large majority of these are from my pre-teen years of life and are mostly an embarrassment, full of bad spelling mistakes. I've gone and unpublished most of these, mainly so future employers can't find the musings of my 10-year-old self, and use that as a reason to not hire me or something.


Since my last post 6 years ago, in 2016, I finished my schooling and graduated with a Bachelor's of Applied Christian Studies, Majoring in Worship and Youth Ministry. Around that same time, I met and married the most beautiful person, the love of my life; Sharayah. We just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary together. We bought our first house together. I changed careers and started working in the insurance industry, and I've been taking courses and getting my licenses in the field. We got a cat. A longhaired Siberian we named Charlotte, who's hypoallergenic so she doesn't trigger my allergies too badly. I got glasses. Despite my perfect vision, they help with staring at computer screens all day for work. Much to my chagrin, I've also discovered a few grey hairs starting to show up on the side of my head. 

Then just this past spring, we sold our first house and uprooted our lives, as we moved across the country to southern Ontario. Over 3,000 km away, a 4-day drive, from the prairies that we've both called home our entire lives, in search of a better work environment for herself. The brokerage I had been working at didn't want me to quit when we moved. So they've kept me on, and I've been working remotely for them for the past four and a half months, but that has come to an end. I start a new job here in Windsor next week. Still in the insurance industry, but it is something different than what I'm used to. I'm quite anxious about it. It's yet more change, in this ever-changing world that I find myself in. 

The unknown is such a scary thing. 

My working remotely for my old brokerage in Saskatoon has kept me connected to that place. And so at times, I've found that I haven't fully embraced our new life here in Ontario. Keeping one foot stuck in the past in hopes that maybe we might move back to the life we left behind. It's inhibited me from giving this new place a fair chance. So even though I don't want to leave my comfort zone, I know that this new job will likely be good for me. It will be good for me to get out of the house and into this city we're still learning and exploring. It will be good for me to have coworkers I can interact with in person instead of just over the phone. Maybe if I'm lucky, these new coworkers may become friends. That's been the hardest part of the move so far, is not knowing anyone here. It's been hard to make friends or find community.  

I'm not sure how reliable I'll be at posting here regularly again. Given my track record, I'm not holding my breath. I did have the thought that maybe writing here more regularly would help improve my overall writing skills. I still write music, and create songs, but the part I've always struggled with the most is lyrics. So maybe journaling here in this form may help that. So I'll try my best.

I was just reading over what I've written here. It's crazy to reflect and think about all that's happened in the past 6 years. I wonder where we'll be in 6 years from now.

Oh boy, how time flies.

Monday, February 29, 2016

It is stupid how easy it is to forget God. And it is surprising how simply forgetting Him can put the rest of life out of whack. 

It seems that this is the same conclusion I've come to countless times, again and again. Neglecting to spend time with God; days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, months turn into years, and years turn into "how did I get here?" Forgetting God causes a fog to descend and consume me. It covers my heart. I'm filled with anxiety. Anxiety is the absence of peace and calmness, and God is peace, His presence is calm. Anxiety overpowers the knowledge that God is in everything, including me. It makes me forget about the Holy Spirit being in my heart. 

Forgetting God causes me to forget God.

It is an endless machine, always working to create more fog. Always trying get me to forget the God who loves me, and values me. 

But its crazy how immediate the remedy of all of this is. Just a simple call to honest prayer cuts through the fog. What once was blurry and unsure now makes perfect sense; that which is the reason for how I got into this mess in the first place. It wasn't by overtly doing anything evil or bad, by sinning more then the next guy. No, it was by simple neglect. Neglecting to spend time with God today, pushing it to tomorrow. It snow balls, rolling down hill, and it grows and grows. Once it starts rolling down the hill fast enough you can't keep up; you can't stop it anymore on your on. But ironically enough you forget the one who would be able to help you.

Ive been here before, countless times. As I've gotten older, I've come to recognize this crossroad. And by the grace of God alone has he brought me back to this crossroad. That being said I don't know why I struggle with trying to decide which way to go. You'd think it'd be obvious. But I struggle. There is a battle raging inside of me; running away from God vs running to God. Is it my inert sinful, selfish nature fighting against a God who is pure and sinless? I don't know why I struggle so much to just Commit. 

Let me finish by asking you to not be overly concerned about me. I don't have this ginormous problem causing me question all of reality. This post is simply the product of me being made aware  and reminded of how easy it is to forget God. This post is heavy and long because I wrote this as a part of my discerning process. It has helped me to write these thoughts down, and I hope it might have helped you as well. That being said though, your prayer is greatly valued as I struggle and wrestle with this. I hope I don't forget, again. And maybe my sudden impulse to come and process my thoughts here will serve as that reminder to myself, and maybe anyone else who has forgotten God.

"'Cause I am a sinner, if it's not one thing it's another. Caught up in words tangled in lies. But You are a saviour and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful, beautiful." - Brokenness Aside by: All Sons and Daughters

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

I have been learning a lot over the past few months. I'm now into the second semester of bible collage and right now I'm actually in East Asia as part of a missions trip of sorts. Right now I should be in bed, trying to sleep, but out of no where I've found a burst of energy and a longing to post here. 

So here I am. Half way around the world, over twelve hours away from my home time-zone, for school. I have learnt a lot over the past semester, far to much and far to confusing to try to put in words. I guess a way to explain it is that I've been experiencing life. I've learnt a lot about love, and its deep complexity. I've learnt a lot about myself and who I am. Im learning a lot about God and His deep complexity, and even besides all of His complexity He is still there. He is still present. I'm trying to learn to Look for Him daily. Thats been the thing I've been working on lately. 

If you want to follow some of the updates from my team here in Asia, heres a link to my schools blog, my teams post will have 'Team East Asia' in the title. 

Experiencing life has been fun. I look forward to the next few months when I start to solidify plans for the near future. But I'm also trying to learn how to live in the moment. To enjoy today and to not worry about tomorrow. I find theres a fine line between obsessing and just thinking about and planning. Something else thats somewhat new, and fun, is I've entered into a relationship with a girl from school. You might question my bringing it up, but its been the focal point of a lot of my attention lately. and also, its just fun to brag a little bit because i rarely have a place to do that. But in all seriousness, even though we've been together a short while, I've learnt a lot about myself, and about love. In particular, I've learnt about how I react with it, and more about what love truly is.  Bare in mind, when I talk of love here, I don't just mean the romantic love you might have for a partner, but the kind of love we should have for everyone, the kind of love that God has for us. It's hard to explain. I've come to know that love is an action. It's not necessarily a feeling by itself. Because if you solely rely on the feelings alone, you are sure to fail. because the truth of the mater is you aren't going to love everyone in the world. there are going to be some people that get under your skin and make you mad, it is true for all of us. But I've found that when you chose to love people, whether they are your enemies or close friends and family, it creates the feelings of love in your heart.  That might be a bit confusing, but let me try to explain it simply: when you don't love someone, and you choose to love them, it creates love for them in your heart. It's a repeating process.

I don't really know if that makes sense, but it makes sense to me and its been something that I've been experiencing lately. It's happened with people from my girlfriend to people who quite honestly piss me off. It's something that i can't explain very well, and I'm sorry for that. I am hopeful though that you might have been able to find some truth or encouragement through my rambling tonight. 

"It is good to find a lover in this life, take her to the waters and never ever leave her out to dry, but my father always sang this chord, set your eyes upon the Lord, set your eyes upon the Lord"
Evening Sun - Jon Bryant

Sunday, September 14, 2014

so here we are. the past few months have been kinda a blur. to give a brief recap, i spent july and august working at CLBI in Camrose helping out with maintenance type stuff. then i started school a couple weeks ago.

over all, lately I've been relatively stress free. but today i am anxious and a bit wound up. i have my reasons for these feelings; a death in the family, tensions in relationships i have with some of my friends, and just other things like that. i don't know why i am this way. I've come to realize these past few years that I'm an anxious person. i worry about things that i have no control over, its super annoying and i don't know why i do it. maybe its the fact that i can't control these things is why i get so wound up.

and so, at the end of the day, is there really anything i can do about it? not really, except just be conscious and aware of these thoughts. i think the other thing i really do is pray about it. cause in these types of situations when theres nothing we can do, theres comfort in the knowledge of prayer.

"I like the way you talk about all the things you've seen, you make the world seem small for a time, though its still to big for me. All my life, I've watched you dance along, to music that i can't hear, i ain't equipped to hear those songs." - The Moon is Down, by Radical Face

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Well... I've decided that I am going to try and go back to CLBI for their second year program. I applied and went through the intrerview process back in March, and I was accepted in May. Finally I had to decided for my self that i wanted to activally persue this. I think the school kind of forces returning students to decide by asking for a security deposite type thing (I forget the technical term for it) that is to secure my place for the fall and to asure them that i intend on going. So, some money poped up so I put that towards the deposite.

Im not really sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I was very hisitant before i finally started owning the fact that i was going to return. Its quit silly, actually. I activally avoided the topic of making a decision for a while. im not sure why, something in me was fighting it I guess, but now that I gave into what i thought was right, im kinda excited. Which is good. When the excitment over wheighs the fears i have, its a good day. the fears i have are still there, but i think that maybe the knowledge is starting to sink in, that i will be ok no matter what the school will throw at me. i survived it last year mostly intact. so thats good. whats the worst that can happen, right?

"Yes, I'm a little bit wasted. Just like a six-string, I sing only when I'm pressured Or when I'm alone with a rhythm and a reason. Heading for the season of the winter coat, Heartbeat heavy as a suicide note. Yes, I'm a little bit wasted; Nevermind, I'm fine, walking in a straight line, Trying out my voice for the first time" Southbound - Sea Oleena

Thursday, May 15, 2014

I mentioned in my last post that it was my birthday. I turned twenty last Saturday, which i don’t really know how to feel or think about it. i mean, I've grown up enough that birthdays are just another day out of the year. you don’t feel different when you wake up on your birthday from the night before when you went to sleep. at least i don't.

when i think about turning twenty, in my head, i kinda feel older. because I’m not a teenager anymore. i feel like I've changed demographics, and i guess i have. I’m now apart of the collage and career age group. i was before but now for some reason i feel like i belong to it more.

along with always growing older i have to start making more and more "life choices." the one that is coming up on the horizon, and the one that is most present on my mind is what to do this fall. whether to go back to school or not. back before i graduated the first-year program at CLBI i applied for their second year program, trying to keep my doors open i guess. anyways i did all that was expected for that and i got an email today saying that i was accepted. i have until June 30th until i guess i have to really decide. on June 30th the school wants a non-refundable deposit to secure my spot for next year.

there are a lot of thing's about going back next year which kinda worry me. all of the out trips the school does, and the impact trip. something the school does which is unique is that they do a fall hiking/canoeing trip, which is in the first week in September. they do something called an urban hike, which takes you to the down town urban centers of big citys like edmonton or calgary to volunteer in homeless shelters and do things like that. the last trip they do is called winter camp/hike. which is what it sounds like. the second years also do something called an Impact Trip. which is a month long mission trip that takes place during the month of January.

i don’t know what it is about these things that worry me, i know God will be with me and that it will all be alright in the end. this past year i went on those outings, and yea they where hard, but i survived. Man i wish i could just get over myself and just live in the knowledge that God is with me and that it will all be ok in the end. i really wish i could just live in that freedom. i don’t know whats holding me back from that.

recovery is going well. i went and saw the surgeon for the second post operation appointment, and he was really pleased with how it is coming. so pleased in fact, that he told me he wants to see me in two weeks instead of just one. so that’s promising. I'm still praying that everything continues to heal properly, but also that the nerves heal and that the feeling comes back way sooner then expected. its all looking promising and kinda exciting. the swelling is continuing to go down, and you can start to see how my face will look after its all said and done.

"There, along the road, was a tiny home. The yard held dead machines behind its fences, Like they were its kids. Broken down, but still worth a lot to someone, It made me stop and grin."
 Along the Road - Radicalface

Saturday, May 10, 2014

its weird to think that its been almost a year since i last posted here, a lot has happened in that seemingly small amount of time. it really doesn't seem like its been that long at all, if you had asked me i would have said maybe a couple months since i last updated this space. i did make plans to post here last month, right before my surgery, but i ran out of time.

well lets do a year in review, shall we? last year around this time, i had just gotten back from a road trip i took with my brother, Thomas. and i realized some things on that road trip; mainly that i hated my job that i was working at. so when i got back to work on the Monday after my time off i gave my two weeks notice and  quit. after that time, i was offered a job at my camp as a "maintenance man." that was an interesting time, learning a lot of new things, like plumbing. i did maintenance for two months, and then i worked at camp as a senior cabin leader for the rest of the camping season. until the first week or two of august.

after my time at camp was done, i spent the rest of august working at odd jobs in the area making a little bit of extra cash. at the end of august i went and applied at CLBI -Canadian Lutheran Bible Institute, and then i was promptly excepted there. after that i went to school at CLBI for both the fall and spring semesters, that was an over all good time there. a lot of things where learned that i don't think I’d have learned other wise. God was present there.

most recently, I've under gone major facial reconstruction surgery (which is a fancy way of saying double jaw surgery) which happened on April 30th. that’s been the thing that I've been dealing with up till now. trying to eat enough, sorry, i mean drink enough. and keep my sugars and proteins and all that fun stuff up. I've lost about 15 pounds, last time i checked. its been really hard at times, especially at the beginning to stay positive, and to look forward to the future. but i know its all for the best, and that god is with me. here are some x-rays i got done this passed week which show the before and after of my teeth/jaw so you can see the big difference it has made.


as you can see it's pretty crazy what they did. but anyway, i think there are birthday cards that need to be open so i must go.

"Packed up my clothes in a grocery bag, I'm going to find the creator, An old man in the clouds or a happy little alien, Whoever it is I need to thank her. And even though I don't know God, I'm happy with the mystery, And I'm certain that I feel it, Every time that you sing to me."
The Ghost Inside Our House - Cloud Cult

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Ive been thinking lately about topics that I could talk about, but I always never come up with a definite one. Then I had the thought, why do I need topics to talk about anyway?  I mean, when I first started un-regularly posting on here waaaaaay back in 2005, I just talked about what ever was on my mind. (I was in grade five, can you blame me?)

"Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I realy should get this spelling thing worked out. I keep making spelling mistakes,
no Mater how hard I try, I keep getting words wrong...
I should go to bed..."

As far as I can tell that's my earliest post. Almost a decade ago. That's a long time ago. I was 11, and that was the summer between grade five and six, when the world was small and i was big. Its kinda mind boggling to me that so much living has happened in that amount of time. Its interesting to me to go back and read the posts I wrote back then, to see who I was, (and to see how horrible of a speller i was.)

Right now I'm in between jobs, I quit my old one at the warehouse in Wetaskiwin, and I should hopefully start my next one at camp next Monday, so I have this next week off to kinda relax, and get things in order. On the list of things to do is get the car fixed, hopefully get my room cleaned up a bit, and hopefully I'll be able to catch up with some friends that I haven't been able to see in a long while. I hope your Saturday night is as calm as mine is.

"We make choices when we're little that we don't remember making, and they affect us our whole life." -Unknown Author